Sunday, February 27, 2005
i am so craving for chocolates.
those rich and thick and super creamy ones. the ones where after eating, your throat will never forgive you and you won't get any mercy from your throat either. and of course. the expensives ones.
even if i'm going to suffer a major sugar-shock.
its worth it.
now bring in those chocolates.
9:57 PM_______ .
if i can have a choice to be anybody in this world. i would want to be her.
she's not perfect. she's nothing compared to me. but somehow. she's the only person whom i'm so intimidated with. her life is really nothing compared to mine. yet each time i start thinking of her, it would be filled with angst and fear and simply hatred. but still. i want to be her.
she led a life full of freedom. to do anything. to give anything. to be anything. she's free. free to choose. and this is the exact same girl who chose my boyfriend back then when she can choose many others. (and for all. this is really my first time opening up. so shut up and just read. i really need no comments or whatsoever.) but never have i blamed her for wanting my boyfriend cause if the other doesn't lead another on, there won't be any hopeful dreams or broken hearts. you get what i mean.
its the same girl which i have grown to fear. and feel totally inferior when the subject is on her. and again. its the same girl whose life is NOTHING compared to mine.
why?
cause i have a great family. a nice boyfriend who ended up back with me. lots of friends. and i know i shouldn't even harbour the thought of wanting to be like her and leading her life. i don't want a life filled with sins and carrying them into my grave. i know i shouldn't be her. i won't want to lead a lonely life. i definitely do not wish to lead a super confused life. and life full of insecurity? no. i don't want that. now i know.
i won't want to be her.
cause one thing for sure. i know i have something which she'll never have.
its called happiness.
12:42 PM_______ .
Friday, February 25, 2005
end of common test. gone case. no. really. its over for me. that 20% for each paper is a goner for me. DARN! IF ONLY I HAD STUDIED HARDER. yeah. IF ONLY.
each time we did something that does not turn out the way we want it to be, we go with the IF ONLY. and the list can go on and on and on and on.
IF ONLY i had studied harder, the papers would all have been a breeze. *rolls eyes*
IF ONLY i had attended all tutorials and lectures, i would have known what's for common test.
IF ONLY i hadn't been so lazy, i'd be hardworking. (=
IF ONLY i hadn't eaten so much, i wouldn't be as full as now. *groans*
IF ONLY i had been a sports girl, i would be in super good shape. )=
IF ONLY i was super super super determined to join mass communication and die-die sit for the test and ace it and make that 7$ test fee WORTH IT, i wouldn't have been here struggling my ass out. grr!!!
now you know what i mean. IF ONLY. *rolls eyes*
by the way. was surfing the net and i came across something so beautiful and pretty. erm. only that its not really a thing. so you can't buy it. its really pretty and beautiful that i'm all emotional when i was at it. i'm filled with sadness and jealous-ness and happiness and madness. i told you i was emotional.
IF ONLY happiness is around the corner where i would ACCIDENTALLY bumped into it and scream FINDERS KEEPERS!.
IF ONLY love could be bought with all the ka-ching in my purse and socks.
life would be awfully much simpler to get by.
if only...
11:07 PM_______ .
Thursday, February 24, 2005
i called my boyfriend stupid today. and every other normal days.
but seriously. he's smart. really. okay. at times. no. really. see. i'm confused.
i called my boyfriend a buffalo (can't think of any other animal which sounds close to vulgarity) today. only today.
but seriously. he's a parrot. repeating
everything i said.
basically in short. i called him a
stupid buffalo today.
cause i'm irritated and he deserves it. but not for long though. hurhur.
me: why can't you be a little smarter for once. STUPID BUFFALO.
boyfriend: now i'm a buffalo.
me: be a farmer for once..
boyfriend: then who are you..
me: farmer's wife
then he asked me many questions just now.
boyfriend: coming to school to study before the paper tomorrow?
boyfriend: not sure
boyfriend: what time you want to wake up tomorrow?
boyfriend: not sure
boyfriend: what time you sleeping later?
boyfriend: not sure
if you don't understand what's going on. read the sentence before the conversation.
then he asked me many questions just now. and he answered everything.
then i'm mad cause he didn't get me my roti boy. and its big deal cause he didn't get it the day before yesterday. and the day before today. its 3 days in a row.
boyfriend: tomorrow i buy you 100 of those roti boy and you make sure you eat every single one of it.
me: can't wait
see what we went through EVERYDAY? its maddening and irritating and awfully killing me. cause apparently neither one of us can be serious. and its difficult. cause nothing gets through him when i'm telling him something and vice versa.
and we're talking about the same person whom i wish to love every single day.
11:31 PM_______ .
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
common test week. its a hellish-torturous-sad-impossible week. yet i am still surviving. yesterday's paper was okay. today's paper. is a NO-NO. its my fault really. cause after paper yesterday, i followed kenny together with his friends over to his place to supposedly
bai nian. shouldn't have done so. cause i didn't study. which is bad. cause the questions just now was the exact SAME ones from the sample test paper. which made me want to kill myself during my 1 hour in the room.
and it doesn't help when my boyfriend didn't magically appear in front of me with a tub of ice cream for me to shove it down my throat. okay. maybe not ice cream. roti boy would be good. i'm so in love with roti boy i made him promise to get me one EVERYDAY. i've yet to make him promise that. will ask so later. its not my fault that the only roti boy outlet i know of is in toa payoh. which is within his journey from home to school. haha.
so the day was bad bad BAD. its urgh! kenny brought me to unwind before we start mugging for our next paper. caught hide and seek and that child actor,dakota fanning, is damn good. the whole show? won't recommend it.
went back to my place. and kenny finally fixed my burner. but i'm not sure if its really working or not. mama cooked thosai and the boyfriend ate 3 of it. i had my virgin taste too. no. don't like. so he ate my share up. and he goes around saying
i'm bloated. don't want to eat. very bloated and uncomfortable. HURHUR. he finished up my mee goreng and thosai.
very exhausted. mentally and physically. i need to sleep super badly.
america's idol on.
10:11 PM_______ .
Monday, February 21, 2005
the previous entry? erm. it was an act of naive-ness and ultra dumbness. erm. occured too often that its wise to ignore.
newpaper on sunday rocks cause they have this section where married (yes. MARRIED.) couples have problem with their sex life. not that i bother to read the solution to these probs. it just gives me the kick to know that there are people with this and that problems. sadist? no. come on. honesty people. self-check! how many of us actually read what aunt aggie has to say. i believe its really 1 out of 5. that 1 person has to be the one who sent in the letter what.
and i love those editors corners. where they write good funny comical stuff bout their life. its really like blogging. just that theirs are published for the whole nation. i want to be one of those people with that kind of privilege.
watched the wedding singer at kenny's place just now. insisted on watching the movie eventhough he insisted that we've already watched the vcd and do really serious studying like himself. but i kept insisting that we only watched part of it and that i need to watch the WHOLE movie again. which is really not true. haha. its actually me with the devil's horn. he studied and got distracted when i laughed or smiled at the teevee. see how attentive he is. to me la.
studying session tomorrow. AGAIN. it will never end will it.
1:36 AM_______ .
tonight is the night where i decided that maybe its time to plunge into a super depression mode. to a point where anti-depressant pills acted out as a alternative for m&m and every night is another sleepless night with lots of tears going on. sounds too goo to be true. NOT.
i hate you. you. you. why? ask yourself.
cause i hate you to the bloody core that its almost impossible. and as much as i want to scream and shout. i can't. and as much as i want to hit you in the face and stomaach. i can't. I'M ALWAYS LIKE THIS YOU SAID.
i won't if its not because of ugly irritating moronic you.
i'm no good. bad. mean. everything on the same par. so you go away. get lost.
i'm tired. of you. of me. of everything associated with you.
go away. just scram while i study super hard for the upcoming tests.
make sense? i hope so.
12:42 AM_______ .
Saturday, February 19, 2005
6:35 PM_______ .
