it feels like i'm undergoing through another major sad breakup.

i almost killed myself. yeah. almost. it came to that point. call me stupid. cause i am. going through another round of this shit just makes me weaker. and i know i can't do it alone. i hate being alone for god's sake. of course there are times where i do welcome loneliness. but not now. and forgive me if i'm quiet during this time. cause what i need is just company. i do not want to talk. i do not want to laugh. i just need your company. just don't push me to the edge. or push me away.

going through another depression stint is not an option. its just there apparently. waiting for me. its scary to know that you're going into the alley of depression. i don't need another set of i-love-yous. i just need a shoulder to cry on.

no i don't need your sympathy.

wanted to drink so badly last night. to loosen up all these nerves. and eric. you know me best. ((: you actually asked me for my permission to bring me out for drinks. ((: i like that. but somehow. i couldn't find the energy to drink. hurhur. sex on the beach don't look appealing anymore. favourite vodka pineapple tasted funny. no longer feel like eating anymore too. and yeah. maybe i'll lose those weight again.

no i don't need your sympathy.

i actually got sent away last night. haha. cause i think i deserve it. i went back alone. hurhur. so what if the driver thinks i'm mad crying so badly in the cab. so what? so what if i used up nearly the whole box of tissue. so what? i just need to cry. not only did it make me feel better. but it also made me lighter. so what if i alighted way way before my house. and walked home slowly. alone. i didn't care if there was a rapist or a murderer somewhere near. cause i'd so much rather be dead than going through this. this is painful.

no i don't need your sympathy.

there are just too many thoughts going on in my mind. i just couldn't accept the fact. couldn't. he lied. again. foolish me.

no i don't need your sympathy.

eric, thank you for always being there for me. you may not understand what i'm going through. you may actually refuse to understand. its really difficult cause i used to love him. wholeheartedly. unconditionally. i cared a great deal for him. its just almost difficult to understand. its really very difficult for me to swallow.

i just couldn't face it when i saw those overseas and private calls. like close to 10 times in the morning. and when i answered, it was a girl. and she hung up on me. haha. i thought its carmen. hurhur. it was scary and i didn't answer the rest of the calls. and she actually messaged me asking if i was free then or later on in the night. i called you immediately eric. cause what i received after that was the ultimate shock.

it was his girlfriend. he's attached. i didn't know about it. and i thought you knew bout it.

i didn't get mad at first cause i thought maybe its been going on for only a week. but its been going on for 9 months. imagine those times when we were lala-ing, its not me on his mind. its her. and when he's gone for work there, they're lala-ing. i couldn't accept the fact. the fact that i was sharing him then.

eric. i asked you a million times before and i'll ask you again. why are guys such greedy creatures. isn't one too much to handle? why have two? does it kind of give you guys the pleasure of having the best of both worlds? don't you feel a teeny bit guilty for hurting us? we are after all the weaker gender right?

you guys said i'm a selfish bitch. look at it this way okays. i'm selfish with time. never had time for any of you. any free time is never for any of you. never thought for any of you. but you guys are too generous with feelings. and that's bad. cause its very very selfish.

you know eric. the past 8 months, he'd questioned me. loads of questions. about you. about me. about us. about being insecure. hurhur. he'd pamper me with everything. we went out holding hands. he brought me around. he brought me home to meet his family again. he even met my friends. and you know how much he used to hate my friends. he won't so much want to be seen around them.

why did he come by and pick me up almost every night then? why did he panicked when he couldn't reach me then? why did he get the security to let him in momo in fear i'm dead drunk and then calling up ethan and jimmy then? why did he give in to my cravings and travel island wide for it then? why did he plan so many plans with me then? why did he call me when he's in hospital then? and why did he say those horrid things then? why when he's attached all along? and he had the cheek to say i chucked him aside.

those are the questions which i don't even want the answers to.

eric. i asked you so so so many times last night if i was stupid. you said yes and that its alright to be stupid in love. cause unfortunately. we cannot control feelings. but if its always this painful, i'd rather be smart in love. and unfortunately eric, i think you're the only one who knows where he once stood in my life. cause apparently he himself didn't know where he stood in my life. cause i wasn't appreciated. the way i didn't appreciate him i guess. maybe i deserve it after all.

and i'm sorry eric. i really am. haiz.

the past month. every night was a difficult ordeal. cause its so difficult to let go. its just impossible. and i won't want to know what he's doing on those bad nights of mine. i need time. lots of it.

eric. if you would just be quiet and follow me through this dark route i chose, i would be more than happy. cause at least i know that somewhere in there, you still cared. i need encouragement from you. and i hope you'd be there to always catch me each time i fall. i don't need hurtful words or painful gestures. i just need a shoulder to cry on.

i know you said i am no longer the happy babe i was. maybe cause i couldn't find the reason to be happy. you tried eric. i know you really tried to make me happy. its just that the missing hole in my heart is too big to be filled up. and having to fake those smiles in front of those guests is simply tiring and painful. haha. and to think that people think its for real. hurhur. if you would just give me time and space yet be there to support me, i believe i'll bounce in life again.

eric. i am going to be honest now. acid bar. i asked for snowball not cause i like it. cause he was on my mind. when i demanded for 3 doors down - here without you, its not cause i like the song. but cause he's on my mind. rouge. i asked for sway. not only cause its our favourite dancing song. but cause he's on my mind.

don't hate me. i don't need another one of those.

eric. its very funny when you said last night that maybe you owed me in your last life. haha. maybe you did. and next life eric, be a babe. ((:

right now, just allow me to cry. cause i know its gone for good. and its very very painful. give me time to get over it.

the next time you see him eric, please tell him i'm happy he found his happiness. and i'll find my happiness soon. don't even scold him anymore. he don't deserve all that. i give up. cause for all i know, my happiness could be just right before my eyes. ((: and i wouldn't want to let it go that easily.

but for the time being, just let me be.

and one day, i'll see love in those eyes. i know i will.

xx

i hope when karma comes knocking, it isn't dressed in an ugly suit.

and when it finally swings by, i wish i'm not there to witness it.

i'm not evil. i'm not vengeful.

its just that i am a very strong karma believer.

xx

aslyn - that's when i love you
blue - best in me
3 doors down - here without you
a teens - can't help falling in love
atomic kittens - the tide is high
vonda shephard - baby don't you break my heart slow
frente - bizarre love triangle
bic runga - sway
jessica simpson - angels
ashlee simpson - that's why i love you