current feeling: bitter

yes. no longer feeling angry anymore. lucky bastards.

i am feeling so bitter in my heart that i can almost taste it in my mouth.

it feels like i can almost trust nobody. why? cause everyone is sprouting nonsense around me.

you said this. he said that. he said this. you said that.

why?

who's lying here?

it seems that trust can no longer be bought at your nearest drug store.

but then again. trust was never bought. its earned. i learned the hard way once. and now i am learning it for the second time. the hard way again.

honestly. i am lost.

xx

you. yes you.

i told you before and i'll tell you again now. its hard for us to be together. i told you then that i need to see those damn changes. i've yet to see it then. i've yet to see it now.

so you claimed that yes you managed to sort certain things out.

but i don't see it.

so you claimed you're trying very hard.

but again. i don't see it.

if i mean so little to you, can we please stop this merry-go-round?

and at the same time. please do not hurt those around me.

there was once upon a time where you meant the world to me. and you know it for yourself.

you know my priorities and you know that you'll get anything from me. you just need to ask.

i asked for the same things too.

you said i was making use of you.

so i did.

but did you offer?

so you did.

back then. you hurt me twice as bad. do you remember? yes i did say lets forget all those bad memories. but its difficult.

i gave you trust once. you broke it once.

i gave you trust the second time. you broke it again.

you know how broken i was. you know how hurt i was. you know. you know everything.

everytime i wanted to leave, you'd hold me back. and you know there's magic each time you do so. cause i'd stay.

but now i left. and enjoying life. you came back again and ruin things for me again.

why do you have to hurt me time and time again. does it give you a sense of achievement?

seriously. what do you gain from my pain?

i wanted so much to be by your side when you needed someone to talk to. but right now. i don't know if i can do it anymore.

lets not even start with the cash flow.

you gave me the card. YOU GAVE ME YOUR CARD.

i have nothing to say.

xx

it hurts badly to have to come to this stage again.

it hurts. awfully.

xx

to you.

thanks for always being there each time i needed someone to vent my anger on. to save me. thanks.

i've always appreciate you. you may not know. but i do.

words are never enough to show my appreciation to you.

the past 8 months have almost been like a roller coaster ride for us.

i'm comfortable with you in almost every way.

i seriously thought that yeah you're the next one for me. hurhur.

and i honestly thought. finally. my big break.

but you're attached. i wish i am not the one who hurt her in the end.

from my point of view, she's nice. awfully nice.

yes i'm jealous of her. i can't stand being in the same room with her. but at the same time, i can't hurt her. yes you've done plenty for me. but its just not fair.

can i just ask you to take 10 minutes of your time to stop, forget about me and just think of her.

think of those good times you guys share. the laughters. the smiles. the surprises. the care.

you'll see that its all sincere. why she's mad the past few days, obviously she had her reasons to be.

you were always almost never there for her. which girl in her right mind would be willing to have her boyfriend being close to other girls?

miss goh's right. no girl would like her boyfriend hanging out with other girls.

she's smart. she knows what's going on.

please. don't hurt her.

i'm not being not selfish. i'm not being nice either.

i just don't think she deserves this from you. from us.

no. stop. wait. did we even think about her? her feelings? she could be feeling lost you know. she could be depressed. knowing that her boyfriend is out every night with his friends. she might be lonely. come on. what could be the main reason that actually pushed her to want to pack her bag and leave.

if its not because of you. she's wounded. and you know it too. its painful and i would know. i've experienced it first hand myself. its nothing pretty i'd assure you.

like lets stop and reflect. these past months, she could be having problems of her own. and all she wanted was to have a shoulder to cry on. and when she's back home, the house's empty. cause you were never there.

i'm guilty. i'm sorry for her. i don't want to hurt her. in fact. i don't want her to have to experience this ugly depressing situation. lets not pull her in allrights.

please. only 10 minutes of your time. stop and think.

you'll see then.

i don't want to be a winner in this ugly way.

xx

it hurts pretty bad. it really do.

xx

and to you. i'm fucking pissed at you. i really am.

what in the fucking mind even gives you the right to fucking judge me when you don't even fucking know me?

what makes you fucking think you have the fucking right to fucking label me a fucking butterfly when you are fucking one yourself?

what on fucking earth were you even thinking dishing out fucking advises when you don't even fucking know what's going on?

and you actually used butterfly you fucking asshole.

i've never had so much hatred in myself before. and apparently i am finding it easy to fucking hate you. maybe cause you fucking deserve it.

i fucking rejected you once. and i never spoke to you since. cause you're a fucking bastard. and i'm fucking disgusted by you.

for god's sake you're fucking engaged then.

you fucking flocked to us newcomers in fucking desperation. i would fucking know cause i've fucking been through it and fucking seen it too.

you're a fucking moronic bastard.

and for once i thought i'd put everything behind and speak to you again on account that you're fucking close to her now. and you know how dear she is to me.

and you just had to fucking messed things up.

you don't fucking know me well at all. in fact bastard, you don't know me at all.
don't fucking talk to me or fucking walk near me. get it?

you're considered dead as far as i'm concerned.

xx

i'm sore now. hurhur.

xx

and to you babe. somehow. i felt betrayed.

to think that i really cared for you the past 3 months. and really opened up to you. to think that i actually see you as a sister. honestly. yeah. a sister.

i advised you cause i do not want you to go through another rough patch again.

you chose that way. and i know i had no say cause its your life.

of course when things go bad i won't say i-told-you-so. i'd still welcome you with open arms. and you know that.

you know i always want the best for you. and i know someone will agree how dear you are to me. i won't miss a single day for you. cause i won't want you to face what you faced two months back. lonely and lost.

i believe you're the only person i gave in to. again. someone will agree to that. cause only he knows how i really took care of you.

i don't expect anything from you. just pure honest friendship.

those times where we took loads of pictures. where i sneaked you up to the room for a massage. where i really talked to you bout loads of stuff. the laughs, the jokes, the uncertainess. i confided in you babe. i really do.

i thought i found another girlfriend in you.

i just felt betrayed cause never once did i expect you to spill almost everything to the fucking bastard.

sorry sis, but i hate him now. to the ultimate core.

sorry sis, but its hard for me to tell you anything now.

i don't think i need to explain anymore.

i think you owe me one instead.

xx

suddenly. it seems so difficult to get over this low tide.

its like almost as if the whole world is going against you.

and the best part. its only 4 of you. people. haha.

very funny.

xx

i can't believe i'm crying again.

oh crap.

xx

i was happy today. the last few hours. its really nice. very very nice in fact.

i chose to go to where we were cause i can't stand being alone. i need to have people around. not noisy yet not quiet either. hurhur.

and i chose you to go with me cause i think you're the other person who knows me best.
and i need to hear from you too.

well. hello. ((: and thank you.

xx

and now. alone. all by myself again. i thought of those times where i smiled and laughed with each of you.

you guys, of course minus the fucking bastard, really are special to me.

i'd miss each and everyone of you when you're gone.

is this the only way out?

xx

i'm not angry anymore. i really am not.

its just difficult.

i can't seem to let go of anyone of you at all.

yes. nobody said let go.

its just frustrating.

oh shut up.

xx

i know now.

i loved you. and i love you now.

and i always want the forbidden fruit. haha.

xx

send me a light someone. at least then, this tunnel won't be so dark anymore.