i think its time. ((:

xx

eric.

what you said to me earlier on made me feel ashamed of myself to even look you in the eyes. and i never once want to admit defeat. especially when its with you.

its true. almost everything you said is true.

i am always hurting you and i don't think its fair. i've been selfish in this relationship and i'm glad we're letting it's all over. cause i know we'll treasure each other more this way. and i also know that the only reason why you wanted to let go was cause that would make me happy. and that you were just pretending cause i once told you that sometimes pretending is the best solution.

i was happy when you said you and carmen, its all over. cause obviously this is my chance.

which girl in her right mind would want to let go of someone close to perfect who always make her feel like she's the luckiest babe around?

all i can say is, i wasn't in the right state of mind definitely. otherwise why am i always hurting you instead of cherishing you? even after you've done so much for me.

lets see.

working double shift through the night just cause i'm on midnight shift.
forever waiting for me. be it us going out or going to work or even going for break and never complain.
always changing shifts just to be able to work together.
hanging out with me and my friends or siblings just to spend time with me.
not bothering bout your feelings as long as i am smiling.
when i'm drunk and puking my way around, you helping me and not letting anybody else to touch me including yourself.
sending me to the doctor when i'm all sick and weak.
pushing you to resign and then forcing you to withdraw the letter and having you back on probation.
respecting me even when i do not respect you.

and of course the list goes on.

eric. honestly i am ashamed of myself. why i took so long to realise this, is a wonder. i took you for granted obviously. and thank you dear. for never once giving up on me.

earlier on i said i finally heaved a sigh of relief. but right now, its kind of painful cause i have all these questions in my head.

what if i finally quit smoking this brand and want that other brand but the cigarrette is no longer there?
what if someone else is holding my cigarrette?
what if it is me getting burned instead?

haiz.

i had loads of fun when i'm with you. despite all the quarrels. yes i had loads of fun. and i never regret once spending time with you. cause you almost always never fail to always make me smile. ((:

remember our first walk after work?
remember us clubbing together? no worries?
remember us laughing and goofing around behind the counter?
remember the english classes? and fines i charge you for speaking cantonese?
remember holland v with me learning how to speak cantonese and failing miserably?
remember settler's cafe? and playing games?
remember us playing with sparklers?
remember on your birthday we had fish and co and you repeating what you said to me cause i like hearing it?
remember us checking rooms and stealing those chocolate wafers from the fridge?
remember our own personalised dance steps?

i'm not saying this to make you consider.

but honestly, it was during the talk earlier on that all these came flooding back.

i didn't say much earlier on cause i can't. couldn't. i'm ashamed of myself. of letting you fight the war the past 2 months.

you've been kind and i so do not deserve this.

lets not spoil this special bond we have.

we said our happy moments can cover our sad periods. and i hope that remains the same.

cause one thing for sure, i truly do appreciate you. whether you believe it or not.

xx

kenny. i am moving on.

why am i still clinging on that little hope. i don't want to waste any more of my time.

what we had previously is obviously the past. history. and why should i be the one suffering when you're out there smiling and laughing sweets? ((:

no. i don't hate you. and i don't love you. anymore.

of course there will be days where i'm bound to suddenly miss you and all that shit. but seriously, its normal. that is normal. i shouldn't be too hung up on you.

and i'm sorry for myself for taking this long a time to actually realise this.

i know this is going to be quite cliche but seriously, i'm happy that you're happy. ((:

we all know what's best for us. or rather i know what's best for myself. ((: and mavis is lucky to have you. ((:

and for me, its moving on.

xx

fen babe. haha. the question you should always ask is not are you okay babe? it must be him right. i beat him for you.

you should say is it you again? is eric okay?

i'm sorry babe. i didn't take care of our dear friend as well as how he took care of me. i am a major disappointment i know.

xx

eric. don't ask me to fight back for kenny. cause it would not happen anymore. if i were to fight, it'd be for you. cause never once have you lied to me before. but of course its kind of scary to be discussing this relationship on a daily basis and quarrelling at a very unhealthy rate.

but from you, i learn something i never had a chance to learn from kenny. maybe cause between me and kenny, we didn't compromise. reason wise would be cause i do not believe in compromising. i believed in accepting. however, i couldn't accept whatever facts that i have to accept from him. and religion played a major role in that relationship. it hurt us both in the end.

you taught me the meaning of loving unconditionally.
you taught me the real meaning of patience.
you taught me the meaning of accepting.

blame it on me for being dumb and stubborn.

saying sorry to you is obviously not working. cause too much damage has been done and what is a five letter word to you from me?

like between you and carmen. you've been waiting for her to say it out. and she did. and finally for you, it's no more responsibility and that sigh of relief is a celebration.

and when it come to us, i was also waiting for you to say it. maybe cause at least i won't be so guilty. but of course i was also being selfish then.

xx

yes i blogged with a motive. maybe it is indeed for kenny. but that's like a part of it. of course the other part would be the fact that blogging is an outlet for me to just vent everything out. and just letting everything flow out without questions being asked. where i can just be honest with myself. with of course the whole world tuning to it. somehow, it don't work this way anymore.

i enjoy blogging and of course i'll continue. ((:

but it won't be here anymore. eccentricaz has loads of bittersweet memories and that is more than enough.

i'm closing this down. and moving on.

xx

to all of us, cheers. we'll find our happiness. i believe in that.

xx

in the mean time, allow me to enjoy life and heal. maybe only then eric, can i apply everything that you taught me in a beautiful selfless relationship. ((: